Another election day.
A day when millions of Americans will breathe a sigh of relief and think “Ok, maybe it’ll be ok,” and where millions of other Americans will be despondent and thinking “It’s over. This was our last chance.”
It’s utter nonsense.
Certainly, this stuff matters.
But it’s not all that matters.
Political ads play to our fears, not to our hopes. They try to scare us. The media does the same thing. We hear how this is the most important election in history. (more…)
It’s crazy that one of the most popular books on dating written in the 90s was the dating philosophy of a 21 year old man…who was single at the time! In 1997, Joshua Harris wrote his dating manifesto “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” where he talked about…kissing dating goodbye. Instead of casual dating and having lots of relationships, Harris favored courtship, intentionality, rules and boundaries.
It was a popular book.
This philosophy continues to influence people. While Harris didn’t invent these ideas, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” exposed many to these approaches and rules.
This week, the pastor and writer announced that he is working with his publisher to discontinue the book:
In light of the flaws I now see in I Kissed Dating Goodbye, I think it’s best to discontinue its publication, as well other supplemental resources tied to it (this includes the two books I wrote after it whose content is similar).
-Joshua Harris statement
In a 2016 interview with NPR, Harris acknowledged his consideration of the results espoused in IKDG: “I think it’s taken time for the consequences of the way that people applied the book and the way the book affected people to play out. And so I’m hearing these different voices saying, here’s how your book was used against me, here’s how it was forced on me, or here’s how I tried to – no one forced it on me, but I tried to apply it and it had this negative consequence in different ways. I’m trying to go back and really evaluate, you know, where did my book contribute to that? Where was it too stringent? And where was that me and what I was writing, and where was that – the families and the church cultures and so on?”
Thoughts
I was never a huge fan of this book. It’s not that everything in it was bad. For instance, of course it’s good to have intentionality in relationships. But Harris’s philosophy wasn’t just conservative on physical intimacy before marriage but also on emotional intimacy.
In wanting people to not get overly emotionally committed before marriage, it risked a person getting too relationally committed to soon to people they knew too little.
Some took Harris’s philosophy as gospel when it came to relationships. Harris argued against a culture where people hopped from one dating relationship to another to another. There needed to be more intentionality in dating. It was a courtship model where relationships were only entered into with people you could seriously see yourself marrying and where activities were largely based on building friendship.
I think these ideas continue to reverberate through American Christian culture. While Harris warned against casual dating, hyper-intentional dating can put tremendous pressure on a couple from the outset of a pursuit. I think in Evangelical Christian circles, when two people do start dating, there can be this tendency to think “well they’re going to get married.”
But there might be some serious reasons as to why those people are not a good fit. Dating without emotional connection (which Harris was weary of) can lead to superficial relationships.
I think that millennial Christians tried to navigate relationships while a “hook up culture” existed for much of the rest of this generation. And while many might not have taken dating and relationships seriously enough, I think Evangelicals pushed too far in taking dating to an opposite extreme which could be just as unhealthy, and where even the beginning of a relationship was taken with extreme seriousness.
There is still be an “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” approach within Christian circles where courtship is seen as being inherently better and more God-honoring than dating. This is absurd, because neither dating nor courtship is the common method in the Bible of finding love.
Some young Christians brought a formulaic approach to relationships and marriage. Almost like good things would happen for avoiding certain pitfalls of dating and relationships.
This approach can lead to legalism and false hope that “if you follow the rules, you’ll have a fulfilling marriage.”
In his statement this week, Joshua Harris touches on this idea that many took from his book: “The book also gave some the impression that a certain methodology of relationships would deliver a happy ever-after ending—a great marriage, a great sex life—even though this is not promised by scripture.”
Dating should be taken seriously. But in our society, it does need to be taken casually enough to where a person doesn’t feel prematurely committed to someone who they’re just getting to know. And this isn’t just a critique of “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” because there are other books from the same late 90s, early 2000s period which espouse similar philosophies.
I think it’s worth appreciating the humility of Harris. He obviously took a long look at his book and its impact. It’s a book that sold hundreds of thousands of copies and put Harris on the map. For him to look at his own work and say it should be discontinued and to recommend other books, I think that take a big person.
Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear what you think, and don’t forget to subscribe!
No wisdom, no understanding, no counsel
can avail against the Lord.
-Proverbs 21:30
God created all things and he knows all things. All truth is God’s truth. God is a God of truth. In the gospels, Jesus is THE truth (John 14:6). God’s word is truth (John 17:17). The Psalmist said, “The sum of your word is truth,and every one of your righteous rules endures forever” (Psalm 119:60).
We can never be right when we disagree with God, when we go against God, when we decide we don’t like a teaching that the Bible makes. There is no “agree to disagree” with an all-knowing, holy, righteous God. God is not our peer, he’s not our college. Our views of morality, salvation, the world, and reality are not equally valid to God’s truth.
There will be teachings or situations in the Bible where our initial reaction is to not like them or to disapprove. Because we’re sinful, because it might be exposing an area of sin in our own heart. Or we might disagree with God’s righteous application of justice. But because we’re sinful people, it makes sense that we’d have times where we disapprove or disagree. Tim Keller says, “If your God never disagrees with you, you might just be worshipping an idealized version of yourself.”
We must approach the Word of God with humility. Maybe we have something in our life that we’re doing and the Bible commands otherwise. Conversely, maybe we have something that we’re not doing and the Bible teaches that we should. In either case, follow God’s way. No wisdom, no understanding, no counsel can avail against the Lord.
Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear what you think, and don’t forget to subscribe!
Originally published January 4, 2017
The Bible is clear that we are justified by faith. Jesus died on the cross. Jesus’ life was enough, his death was enough, the blood that he spilled was enough, his body that was broken was enough, the life he was resurrected to was enough. We could not earn God, we could not be Godly, and from his mercy and goodness, Jesus came for us, to live for us, to die for us, to save us from our sins. And all you have to do is to trust in that, to have faith in that.
And when you do, God gives you his Spirit. Like the Apostle Paul said in Galatians 2:20, “It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (more…)
While it’s a comedy about a boy-genius, CBS’s “Young Sheldon” took up some heavy theological topics in last weeks episodes titled “A crisis of faith and octopus aliens.”
The show is a spin off of the Big Bang Theory where Iian Armitage plays Big Bang Theory character Sheldon Cooper as a child. It’s a comedy featuring this boy who’s incredibly brilliant in a family that’s pretty ordinary. His mother Mary (played by Zoe Perry) is an Evangelical Christian.
In this episode, a family friend passes away and Mary’s character is thrown into a Spiritual crisis.
Her pastor tries to help by saying what works for him (serving others). Serving others is great. Serving others is healthy and it can be helpful to some people in a time of depression, because it shifts your focus onto others and their needs. In the episode, Mary attempts to throw her into service, church activity, Bible studies, plants a new garden. Yet she still can’t get over her sadness.
She turns to drinking and withdrawing from faith, stops saying grace and doesn’t go to church one weekend. Sheldon notices the changes in her behavior and reaches out in his concern.
“Faith means believing in something you can’t know for sure is real, and right now I am struggling with that,” Mary says.
Sheldon doesn’t believe in God, but throws in an apologetic for his struggling mother:
“Did you know that if gravity was slightly more powerful the universe would collapse into a ball? Also if gravity was slightly less powerful the universe would fly apart and there’s be no star or planets,”
“Gravity is precisely as strong as it needs to be and if the ratio of the electromagnetic force to the strong force wasn’t one percent, life wouldn’t exist, what are the odds that would happen all by itself?”
-Young Sheldon
When his mom question points out that Sheldon doesn’t even believe in God, he says he doesn’t, “but the precision of the universe at least makes it logical to conclude there’s a creator.”
I really thought it was a great episode. I appreciate how it dealt with the subject of a person hitting a Spiritual wall. Because a significant part of Mary’s character both on Young Sheldon (and the same character on Big Bang Theory) is that she’s an Evangelical Christian. I didn’t think the episode was making fun of faith, rather I thought it was a sincere look into real struggles.
The road of faith is not without its twists and turns, not without its bumps. It’s not without construction and slow downs.
The temptation can be to want to make ourselves busy. That’s what Mary’s character initially does. But in the face of tragedy, in a world where people sin and where death is a result of that sin and where death is a consequence of the fallen world that all will face, to take that to God, and to lament the death that is in the world. It was not the original creation for the world, and it goes against our natural inclinations. Lament is a common practice in the Bible. It’s a practice that I think the modern American church (especially WASPs often overlook).
Lament is an expression of grief and sorrow. Lament is based in the reality of who God is. Lament is based in a high view of the goodness of God in a fallen world.
I think it’s important to be humble and to recognize that God is God and we are not. That God is sovereign.
I think it’s important for Christians to remember the promises of God. And to remember them for what they are, not as caricatures or distortions. God doesn’t promise that life will be without pain (he promises the opposite). God doesn’t promise life will be without loss (he promises the opposite). God doesn’t promise that we’ll always be happy with our situations, or that things should be easy, or that we’ll be free of suffering. He promises the opposite.
Sometimes our major misgivings with God come from a faulty understanding of who God is or what he has promised. Life is hard. The Bible doesn’t hide from that reality. Some churches can create this pressure that everything should always be ok, or that if you have enough faith, you should always be happy. Those aren’t Biblical views.
The promises that God does make are that those who mourn can be blessed, for they shall be comforted (Matthew 5:4). That everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord shall be saved (Romans 10:13). That nothing can separate us from the Lord of God (Romans 8:38). That there is grace and redemption for sin and that God has given us every Spiritual blessing (Ephesians 1:3). That God hears the prayers of his people (1 Peter 3:12). And so many more promises the Bible makes.
Sadly, many people turn away in times of despair.
Where is your hope?
People put hope in a lot of different things. For some, they put hope not in God but in the Church. The Church is great, but that is not our hope. For some, people put their hope in their efforts, their pursuits, their activities. That too will inevitably fail you. Our hope must be in the good, loving, and eternal God of the universe.
Spiritual depression is common in the Christian life. Some of the greatest leaders in the history of the Church struggled with it. Because, as Mary said in the show, faith is believing in something you can’t know for sure. And when that is coupled with our sin, with our unfulfilled hopes, and with the sin that is in the world, sometimes there are struggles. There can hopefully be solace in knowing that. You’re not alone.
And while we change, God is unchanging. And God continues to invite us into life through his son Jesus.
Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear what you think, and don’t forget to subscribe!
