As 2018 comes to a close, I am sharing some of my top posts from this year.
Christian comedian John Crist shared this photo on Instagram this weekend that’s gone viral. The photo is a card from a church, apparently meant to be distributed to parents of fussy children, instructing them that a “connection team member” would assist them in leaving the sanctuary during worship.
It’s a sad commentary on the American church that we shame parents for bringing their kids and their kids…acting like kids in a church service. (more…)
As 2018 comes to a close, I am sharing some of my top posts from this year.
A recent article from NBC talks about a Massachusetts family who are raising their twin boys without a gender. The idea behind this parenting philosophy is to allow the twins to decide for themselves when they’re older.
In the story, the mother made the fair point about how we do have ways how we stereotype little boys and little girls that aren’t always helpful. Many raise girls to be prissy and “girlie,” while boys are raised to be tough and to not cry. These aren’t necessary aspects of masculinity and femininity, on that point, I agree. However to combat those stereotypes, we don’t need to raise children without gender. There are other, healthier approaches. (more…)
Christian comedian John Crist shared this photo on Instagram this weekend that’s gone viral. The photo is a card from a church, apparently meant to be distributed to parents of fussy children, instructing them that a “connection team member” would assist them in leaving the sanctuary during worship.
It’s a sad commentary on the American church that we shame parents for bringing their kids and their kids…acting like kids in a church service.
If the gospels were written today, and Jesus was teaching to great multitudes and a child was fussing, would he ask the parent and child to be escorted away from his presence? In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus said: “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children” (Matthew 19:14).
A baby has just as much right to be there as you do.
It’s unfortunate that a parent who’s tired, who’s working, who’s doing their absolute best, and on top of all of the other hassles in life, knows it’s worth it to take their young child to church, and when they do that, has to worry about the eye rolls, the murmurs, the complaints for if their child gets fussy. That should be the last place where they’re going to be criticized. Those parents should be applauded, not judged.
Can it be annoying to hear a fussy child? Yes. Obviously. But it’s more annoying to hear a fussy adult whining about a baby. There isn’t a Biblical mandate: thou shalt wait until thine child will behave before thou shalt bring them into the Lord’s house.
Yes, if a young child is having an absolute meltdown, of course it’s reasonable to step outside of the room for a moment. A parent has enough sense to know that. But the fact that this church had a special card printed up and ready to hand out? Yes, I realize that card compliments the parent for bringing their kid but it’s underhanded when couched in “now please leave the corporate worship service.”
Jesus spoke to multitudes of thousands during his ministry. Those parents weren’t dropping their kids off with the babysitter. There would have been fussy children then. Other parts of the world have livestock nearby making sounds. Worship in other parts of the world is done in secret at the threat of persecution. But heaven forbid a little kid sometimes cry or speak up.
They’ll learn. Their behavior will improve. But what’s priceless is teaching them from a young age that church is important and something that should be part of life.
If we’re going to want to make parents feel ostracized or unwelcome because of their children, I think we need to check our own hearts in that. What do we value? Can we put up with a little bit of inconvenience so that a young child can be included in the service too?
The church isn’t a restaurant, it’s not a movie theater. If you want to complain about a fussy child in those establishments, go ahead. But we should not approach it like our satisfaction with every visit is the supreme end of the service.
Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear what you think, and don’t forget to subscribe!
Josh Benner is the associate pastor at Cornerstone Evangelical Free Church in Fergus Falls, Minnesota and has a Master of Divinity from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. He enjoys writing about faith and culture. He lives with his wife Kari in Minnesota.
A friend recently asked me this question. As a Christian, there are several reasons why I believe the answer is no.
This reminded me of an article I read a couple years ago by former NFL running back Arian Foster. In an article he wrote for Yahoo, Foster was talking about his parenting philosophy. When it came to faith, he said:
The flying spaghetti monster. There are billions of people on Earth with hundreds of religions and sects that trickle off each other. I will never tell her what to believe in. I know parents are very influential on kids’ spiritual beliefs and that can be a positive or negative thing. I can give her a basic understanding of religions when she starts showing interest and asking questions. But I will remain silent otherwise. How can I make a young mind believe this is the truth for them when they don’t yet have the capacity nor the cognitive desire to delve into something like this? If she shows interest I would advise her to fully investigate a religion and see if it fits her. And if she chooses none of the above, I’ll be fine with that as well. The values I instill in her should guide her to her decision. What’s most important, I believe, is to support her decision no matter what.
Foster argues that he doesn’t want to push religious beliefs saying “I will never tell her what to believe in” and “I can give her a basic understanding of religions…but I will remain silent otherwise.”
To raise a child without faith can be framed as “not telling them what to believe in.” However that’s clearly affirming and privileging a secular worldview. It’s raising someone with a default setting of irreligion.
Foster says that he’s fine if she eventually chooses faith (I don’t doubt his sincerity in that). But he argues that what matters more than raising someone according to a faith tradition is raising them with a certain set of values. That was similar to my friends question. Instead of raising someone according to religion, why not just raise them to be good/benevolent?
The gospel is predicated on the idea that a person can’t be good on their own. And faith in Jesus Christ is essential to the salvation of a person’s soul. For a Christian, that is part of why a hands off approach to faith does not harmonize with parenting. Any loving, Christian parent should raise their children in the knowledge and fear of the Lord. This isn’t unique to Christianity. It’s true of the major faith systems. There is no faith tradition (that I’m aware of) that says “Hey, raise your kids outside of this faith and see what they believe.”
I understand why someone who’s not religious would have such a view that undermines the role of faith in a person’s life. Christian faith is meant to be a parent’s source of meaning, morality. It’s meant to shape your life, your family, and your parenting. The idea of not passing that tradition onto one’s kids is fundamentally inconsistent.
Furthermore, the Bible constantly commands parents to raise their children to know the Lord. In the Old Testament, the Israelites failed to do this which was the source of a lot of their struggles.
The Book of Deuteronomy commands:
6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.
-Deuteronomy 6:6-7
For Christian parents, it’s not meant to be an option. Ultimately no one can control what someone believes. But a kid needs to be given every chance to hear the gospel. It is faith in the gospel by which souls are saved. Also the flavor of the month in our society today is about letting kids dictate everything (faith, gender, etc). But they have to be raised with a foundation.
There’s also covenantal theology but I’ll save that for another post.
Josh Benner is the associate pastor at Cornerstone Evangelical Free Church in Fergus Falls, Minnesota and has a Master of Divinity from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. He enjoys writing about faith and culture. He lives with his wife Kari in Minnesota.
A recent article from NBC talks about a Massachusetts family who are raising their twin boys without a gender. The idea behind this parenting philosophy is to allow the twins to decide for themselves when they’re older.
In the story, the mother made the fair point about how we do have ways how we stereotype little boys and little girls that aren’t always helpful. Many raise girls to be prissy and “girlie,” while boys are raised to be tough and to not cry. These aren’t necessary aspects of masculinity and femininity, on that point, I agree. However to combat those stereotypes, we don’t need to raise children without gender. There are other, healthier approaches.
It’s absolutely unnecessary for a person to take an otherwise normal, healthy baby and to then introduce confusion into their child’s life. Is letting a person “decide” their gender so important?
I hear people talk about how complicated gender is.
For the vast majority of people, it’s pretty simple. And so I return to my question, why introduce confusion? Why introduce additional complexity?
I know to some this seems progressive and enlightened.
It’s unwise.
I saw a video a few years ago of a British woman who was doing this with her son. It’s heartbreaking.
If your approach to parenting is doing something that society has historically not done and which contradicts the wisdom of human experience: it’s wrong. Raising a child is not the time to try new experiments.
The idea that you can raise a kid without gender and then let them decide their gender is self-defeating.
The idea that you can take a baby boy or girl and raise this child neutral of gender, and later let them decide their gender, it’ll be in the context of them having been raised as unaware to their gender. When they decide which gender they want to be, it’ll be from a context of not having been raised according to a particular gender. It’s not like you’ll decide you want to be a boy and instantly know how to do it. You weren’t shown! You weren’t taught! You were intentionally kept in the dark.
Part of the justification that I’ve seen is that this helps a child to embrace their identity. I would argue that it actually raises a child ignorant of an important aspect of their identity. This style of parenting takes away the foundation of manhood and womanhood.
And for what purpose?
According to a 2016 study by the Williams Institute, transgendered people make up just over one half of one percent of the American population. And the transgender life is not an easy one. Tragically, the rate of attempted suicides within that community is 40% according to The Report of the 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey.
With the Massachusetts family, the mother is an engineer and talks of the gender stereotypes in her field, how it is often male-dominated. That’s probably true. But how does it help that to raise boys as if they’re not?
Gender comes from God. It’s fundamental to his creation of humanity. God made men and women and we are both created in his image. We should celebrate masculinity and femininity. Men and women compliment each other.
Josh Benner is the associate pastor at Cornerstone Evangelical Free Church in Fergus Falls, Minnesota and has a Master of Divinity from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. He enjoys writing about faith and culture. He lives with his wife Kari in Minnesota.
