Focus on being the right person, not finding the right person

We live in a soulmate focused society. We love the idea of finding the one.

As a millennial, perhaps it’s because our generation grew up with VHS and we were able to watch and rewatch and rewatch the same Disney movies over and over again, seeing the happily ever after. But in fairytales, we never actually see the day to day of what the “ever after” ends up looking like.

You don’t have a perfect person because YOU’RE not a perfect person. And a relationship takes two people. And since a relationship includes you, it’ll have problems. Now multiply that by two as you find someone who is also imperfect.

The problem with trying to find the right person is that it’s inherently self-centered. It implies you can find one person who completes you, who builds you up, who makes you whole.

That’s not how God designed us.

It is God who makes us whole. It is in God that we find purpose and life.

If we have the mentality that another person will be what completes us, we’re viewing the relationship as a taker. Thinking that a significant other or spouse’s sole job in life is to support you and build you up will lead to an unbalanced and unhealthy relationship. Too many relationships are made up of two takers.

But that’s what we want. Instead of looking for that person, you need to be that person. You need to be a giver, you need to want to support and honor another person.

“The doesn’t seem fair!”

But it seems fair to look for someone who’s going to do that for you?

Both people need to be focused on giving, being selfless, and serving the other. We’re imperfect and so we’ll do that imperfectly, but when people work to build that relationship, it’s a beautiful thing.

Josh Benner is the associate pastor at Cornerstone Evangelical Free Church in Fergus Falls, Minnesota and has a Master of Divinity from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. He enjoys writing about faith and culture. He lives with his wife Kari in Minnesota.