In the Bible, so much of the marriage language about weddings, brides, and grooms is discussing the relationship between God and his people. In the Bible, in spite of humanity’s sin, turning away from God, the Lord is depicted as a faithful groom.
In the New Testament, the church is depicted as the bride and Christ is the groom. That’s part of the reason why our passage said “husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (more…)
It’s crazy that one of the most popular books on dating written in the 90s was the dating philosophy of a 21 year old man…who was single at the time! In 1997, Joshua Harris wrote his dating manifesto “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” where he talked about…kissing dating goodbye. Instead of casual dating and having lots of relationships, Harris favored courtship, intentionality, rules and boundaries.
It was a popular book.
This philosophy continues to influence people. While Harris didn’t invent these ideas, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” exposed many to these approaches and rules.
This week, the pastor and writer announced that he is working with his publisher to discontinue the book:
In light of the flaws I now see in I Kissed Dating Goodbye, I think it’s best to discontinue its publication, as well other supplemental resources tied to it (this includes the two books I wrote after it whose content is similar).
-Joshua Harris statement
In a 2016 interview with NPR, Harris acknowledged his consideration of the results espoused in IKDG: “I think it’s taken time for the consequences of the way that people applied the book and the way the book affected people to play out. And so I’m hearing these different voices saying, here’s how your book was used against me, here’s how it was forced on me, or here’s how I tried to – no one forced it on me, but I tried to apply it and it had this negative consequence in different ways. I’m trying to go back and really evaluate, you know, where did my book contribute to that? Where was it too stringent? And where was that me and what I was writing, and where was that – the families and the church cultures and so on?”
Thoughts
I was never a huge fan of this book. It’s not that everything in it was bad. For instance, of course it’s good to have intentionality in relationships. But Harris’s philosophy wasn’t just conservative on physical intimacy before marriage but also on emotional intimacy.
In wanting people to not get overly emotionally committed before marriage, it risked a person getting too relationally committed to soon to people they knew too little.
Some took Harris’s philosophy as gospel when it came to relationships. Harris argued against a culture where people hopped from one dating relationship to another to another. There needed to be more intentionality in dating. It was a courtship model where relationships were only entered into with people you could seriously see yourself marrying and where activities were largely based on building friendship.
I think these ideas continue to reverberate through American Christian culture. While Harris warned against casual dating, hyper-intentional dating can put tremendous pressure on a couple from the outset of a pursuit. I think in Evangelical Christian circles, when two people do start dating, there can be this tendency to think “well they’re going to get married.”
But there might be some serious reasons as to why those people are not a good fit. Dating without emotional connection (which Harris was weary of) can lead to superficial relationships.
I think that millennial Christians tried to navigate relationships while a “hook up culture” existed for much of the rest of this generation. And while many might not have taken dating and relationships seriously enough, I think Evangelicals pushed too far in taking dating to an opposite extreme which could be just as unhealthy, and where even the beginning of a relationship was taken with extreme seriousness.
There is still be an “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” approach within Christian circles where courtship is seen as being inherently better and more God-honoring than dating. This is absurd, because neither dating nor courtship is the common method in the Bible of finding love.
Some young Christians brought a formulaic approach to relationships and marriage. Almost like good things would happen for avoiding certain pitfalls of dating and relationships.
This approach can lead to legalism and false hope that “if you follow the rules, you’ll have a fulfilling marriage.”
In his statement this week, Joshua Harris touches on this idea that many took from his book: “The book also gave some the impression that a certain methodology of relationships would deliver a happy ever-after ending—a great marriage, a great sex life—even though this is not promised by scripture.”
Dating should be taken seriously. But in our society, it does need to be taken casually enough to where a person doesn’t feel prematurely committed to someone who they’re just getting to know. And this isn’t just a critique of “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” because there are other books from the same late 90s, early 2000s period which espouse similar philosophies.
I think it’s worth appreciating the humility of Harris. He obviously took a long look at his book and its impact. It’s a book that sold hundreds of thousands of copies and put Harris on the map. For him to look at his own work and say it should be discontinued and to recommend other books, I think that take a big person.
Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear what you think, and don’t forget to subscribe!
A Tweet has gone viral about a young woman who send an exit survey to men she dates at the end of a relationship.
Questions on the exit survey included:
-What is wrong with Katie?
-What is wrong with you?
-At what point did you know this wouldn’t work out?
-Would you refer Katie to a friend? If so, please list numbers here.
While it’s unorthodox (ok, it’s strange), I appreciate wanting to be reflective and to learn from mistakes. It can be easy when a relationships ends to want to blame the other person, but usually when relationships end, it’s a two way street.
Anytime a person has a relationship end, it’s helpful to ask how you contributed to the end of it. Otherwise it can be easy to get into a cycle of one failed relationship after another where a person keeps dating the same kinds of people and making the same types of mistakes thinking that things will be so much easier when they find this mythical “the one.”
As I already mentioned, the Tweet referencing the survey has already been liked 21,000 times.
Although not everyone is a fan. Some comments I saw on articles were negative, saying “Run!” and calling it crazy, others mocking the young lady and saying things like “I think I know why she’s single.” Again, I realize it’s unusual. But there’s also nothing wrong with wanting some closure. And at the end of a relationship, if a little constructive reflection can leave both people suited to be better off in their next relationship, that strikes me as a good thing. Especially if a person chooses to respond and add some insights.
Before getting married, I know there were times when things would inexplicably end and I didn’t always get the opportunity to find out why. So I can definitely empathize with a person wanting that closure.
Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear what you think, and don’t forget to subscribe!
So you’ve had one relationship after another (after another) fail.
You meet someone else. And they’re unlike the previous people you go for. “She’s not my type.”
Maybe the people who you think are your type aren’t really your type.
I’m not saying to be like George Costanza in Seinfeld and just do the opposite of every inclination you have.
But we can get into bad dating patterns. I’m not saying everyone needs to look for a different type of person when a relationship ends. But I think it’s good to be reflective of the factors that cause relationships to end.
One important question to ask is: are the types of people I date bringing out the best in me? Or are they a constant source of stress and frustration?
It can be to keep going for similar types of people and falling into similarly dysfunctional relationships.
Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear what you think, and don’t forget to subscribe!
I hope your wedding day is the day when you love each other the least.
I hope the love is there.
But I hope a week, a month, a year, 10 years, 50 years later, that you love each other more than you did on your wedding day. I hope it’s a deeper, richer, fuller love.
Marriage and life together is a good picture of sanctification.
When you come to faith, you are saved. For the rest of your life, and eternity, the blood of Jesus washes away your sins. But the work isn’t done. It’s a lifelong process of growing and maturing in the faith which you believe.
How long does it take to be a Christian? A moment. And a lifetime. (more…)
