Josh Benner

Tag: Marriage

  • Why Christians might want to mingle somewhere besides Christian Mingle

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    This is part of a new series I’m doing in discussing dating, relationships, and marriage from a Christian perspective. 

    I’m a pastor and I met my wife online. Pretty much 100% of people who know those two things ask, “So did you meet her on Christian Mingle?”

    I did not (eHarmony, thanks Dr. Warren).

    Now, undoubtedly some people have success and meet their spouses on Christian Mingle. And for those people, hey, that’s great. My point isn’t to say that site can’t work. But I tried it, and eHarmony, and several other sites. And as a review of Christian Mingle, here are a couple observations.

    Not as many fish in that sea 

    The pool is smaller than a lot of the other popular sites. If you live in a large metropolitan area, that might not be such a big deal. But when I moved from suburban Chicago to rural Minnesota, I noticed that the eligible bachelorettes on that site largely fell off. Even in a larger area, there are still fewer options than what you would find on other popular sites.

    Equally yoked 

    Not everyone on Christian Mingle is all that Christian. This isn’t so much meant as a criticism of that site, but something for users to consider. Christian Mingle obviously can’t vet everyone. But if you use that site and you’re a Christian who’s trying to find a relationship, don’t fall into the trap of thinking the person messaging you is equally yoked with you. It takes good questions and careful discernment (just like it would on any other site).

    Final word

    Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that Christian Mingle is inherently more holy. Just because the word “Christian” is in the name of this site, it might give the false sense of security that someone has a better chance of finding a strong believer on Christian Mingle over other dating sites. Not necessarily. It’s not like the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association made the website and Tim Keller and John Piper are on their board of directors.

    Josh Benner is the associate pastor at Cornerstone Evangelical Free Church in Fergus Falls, Minnesota and has a Master of Divinity from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. He enjoys writing about faith and culture. He lives with his wife Kari in Minnesota.

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  • The one love language

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    I’m a huge fan of Dr. Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages. Dr. Chapman is a pastor and marriage counselor, and his love languages is a theory that everyone primarily receives love in one of five ways.

    The love languages are:
    Quality time
    Physical touch
    Words of affirmation
    Acts of service
    Gifts

    All of the love languages boil down to time. Acts of services takes time to serve someone. Gifts requires time to notice the types of gifts that will be appropriately thoughtful, and they take time to acquire and to earn the money to pay for. Physical touch takes presence, which takes time. For words of affirmation to have meaning and sincerity, that requires really knowing someone which takes time. Quality time is not merely being around each other but also meaningful and significant time together.

    The love languages are just different ways to utilize tie to invest and build up a relationship. I think it’s important for a person to know their own love language, and also to know the love languages of their spouse and children because there is value in showing love to a person in the way that a person best receives love.

    Josh Benner is the associate pastor at Cornerstone Evangelical Free Church in Fergus Falls, Minnesota and has a Master of Divinity from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. He enjoys writing about faith and culture. He lives with his wife Kari in Minnesota.

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  • Focus on being the right person, not finding the right person

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    We live in a soulmate focused society. We love the idea of finding the one.

    As a millennial, perhaps it’s because our generation grew up with VHS and we were able to watch and rewatch and rewatch the same Disney movies over and over again, seeing the happily ever after. But in fairytales, we never actually see the day to day of what the “ever after” ends up looking like.

    You don’t have a perfect person because YOU’RE not a perfect person. And a relationship takes two people. And since a relationship includes you, it’ll have problems. Now multiply that by two as you find someone who is also imperfect.

    The problem with trying to find the right person is that it’s inherently self-centered. It implies you can find one person who completes you, who builds you up, who makes you whole.

    That’s not how God designed us.

    It is God who makes us whole. It is in God that we find purpose and life.

    If we have the mentality that another person will be what completes us, we’re viewing the relationship as a taker. Thinking that a significant other or spouse’s sole job in life is to support you and build you up will lead to an unbalanced and unhealthy relationship. Too many relationships are made up of two takers.

    But that’s what we want. Instead of looking for that person, you need to be that person. You need to be a giver, you need to want to support and honor another person.

    “The doesn’t seem fair!”

    But it seems fair to look for someone who’s going to do that for you?

    Both people need to be focused on giving, being selfless, and serving the other. We’re imperfect and so we’ll do that imperfectly, but when people work to build that relationship, it’s a beautiful thing.

    Josh Benner is the associate pastor at Cornerstone Evangelical Free Church in Fergus Falls, Minnesota and has a Master of Divinity from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. He enjoys writing about faith and culture. He lives with his wife Kari in Minnesota.