Josh Benner

Tag: love

  • Sometimes the “not my type” person is actually your type

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    So you’ve had one relationship after another (after another) fail.

    You meet someone else. And they’re unlike the previous people you go for. “She’s not my type.”

    Maybe the people who you think are your type aren’t really your type.

    I’m not saying to be like George Costanza in Seinfeld and just do the opposite of every inclination you have.

    But we can get into bad dating patterns. I’m not saying everyone needs to look for a different type of person when a relationship ends. But I think it’s good to be reflective of the factors that cause relationships to end.

    One important question to ask is: are the types of people I date bringing out the best in me? Or are they a constant source of stress and frustration?

    It can be to keep going for similar types of people and falling into similarly dysfunctional relationships.

    Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear what you think, and don’t forget to subscribe! 

    Josh Benner is the associate pastor at Cornerstone Evangelical Free Church in Fergus Falls, Minnesota and has a Master of Divinity from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. He enjoys writing about faith and culture. He lives with his wife Kari in Minnesota.

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  • The first rule of online dating

    unsplash-kitsune-3.jpgThis is part of a new series I’m doing in discussing dating, relationships, and marriage from a Christian perspective. 

    Never fall in love with someone you’ve never met.

    With online dating, it can be easy to quickly get into some very deep conversations with a new person. Maybe you have a few phone calls and the conversation just flows. And. it. is. awesome.

    You get that excited tingling feeling “could this be the one?”

    But you’re like four days in, and it’s a person who’s still basically a stranger. There’s still a lot to learn. Interacting well with someone who you don’t know can actually be pretty easy to do. There’s a lot to talk about in the beginning because you don’t know anything about each other! But will the conversation still flow after you figure out all of the basics? (more…)

  • I hope your wedding day is the day you love each other the least

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    I hope your wedding day is the day when you love each other the least.

    I hope the love is there.

    But I hope a week, a month, a year, 10 years, 50 years later, that you love each other more than you did on your wedding day. I hope it’s a deeper, richer, fuller love.

    Marriage and life together is a good picture of sanctification.

    When you come to faith, you are saved. For the rest of your life, and eternity, the blood of Jesus washes away your sins. But the work isn’t done. It’s a lifelong process of growing and maturing in the faith which you believe.

    How long does it take to be a Christian? A moment. And a lifetime. (more…)

  • Why Christians might want to mingle somewhere besides Christian Mingle

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    This is part of a new series I’m doing in discussing dating, relationships, and marriage from a Christian perspective. 

    I’m a pastor and I met my wife online. Pretty much 100% of people who know those two things ask, “So did you meet her on Christian Mingle?”

    I did not (eHarmony, thanks Dr. Warren).

    Now, undoubtedly some people have success and meet their spouses on Christian Mingle. And for those people, hey, that’s great. My point isn’t to say that site can’t work. But I tried it, and eHarmony, and several other sites. And as a review of Christian Mingle, here are a couple observations.

    Not as many fish in that sea 

    The pool is smaller than a lot of the other popular sites. If you live in a large metropolitan area, that might not be such a big deal. But when I moved from suburban Chicago to rural Minnesota, I noticed that the eligible bachelorettes on that site largely fell off. Even in a larger area, there are still fewer options than what you would find on other popular sites.

    Equally yoked 

    Not everyone on Christian Mingle is all that Christian. This isn’t so much meant as a criticism of that site, but something for users to consider. Christian Mingle obviously can’t vet everyone. But if you use that site and you’re a Christian who’s trying to find a relationship, don’t fall into the trap of thinking the person messaging you is equally yoked with you. It takes good questions and careful discernment (just like it would on any other site).

    Final word

    Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that Christian Mingle is inherently more holy. Just because the word “Christian” is in the name of this site, it might give the false sense of security that someone has a better chance of finding a strong believer on Christian Mingle over other dating sites. Not necessarily. It’s not like the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association made the website and Tim Keller and John Piper are on their board of directors.

    Josh Benner is the associate pastor at Cornerstone Evangelical Free Church in Fergus Falls, Minnesota and has a Master of Divinity from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. He enjoys writing about faith and culture. He lives with his wife Kari in Minnesota.

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  • The one love language

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    I’m a huge fan of Dr. Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages. Dr. Chapman is a pastor and marriage counselor, and his love languages is a theory that everyone primarily receives love in one of five ways.

    The love languages are:
    Quality time
    Physical touch
    Words of affirmation
    Acts of service
    Gifts

    All of the love languages boil down to time. Acts of services takes time to serve someone. Gifts requires time to notice the types of gifts that will be appropriately thoughtful, and they take time to acquire and to earn the money to pay for. Physical touch takes presence, which takes time. For words of affirmation to have meaning and sincerity, that requires really knowing someone which takes time. Quality time is not merely being around each other but also meaningful and significant time together.

    The love languages are just different ways to utilize tie to invest and build up a relationship. I think it’s important for a person to know their own love language, and also to know the love languages of their spouse and children because there is value in showing love to a person in the way that a person best receives love.

    Josh Benner is the associate pastor at Cornerstone Evangelical Free Church in Fergus Falls, Minnesota and has a Master of Divinity from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. He enjoys writing about faith and culture. He lives with his wife Kari in Minnesota.

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